Struggling.

Just needed to write this down, it's not for anyone but me really, though anyone is free to read it if they want too. ;)

I am really struggling with the 160-161 mark. I managed to lose the nearly 8lbs I gained since I moved to Chicago, it took about 3 weeks and some walking and it went well. Of course I'm in week 4 right now, which is notoriously bad for me anyway. But I also haven't done well in the exercise department this week and I'm not anticipating a loss. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but those of you who know me really well, know that I have been stuck at 160 for a YEAR now. So not only do those first few pounds not feel like an accomplishment at this point, it feels scary to be facing this number again that I just can't seem to beat. I feel really nervous and stressed out about it. Now before you tell me, "it's just a number on the scale" I will tell you to save it, because it isn't. And if you have ever struggled with your weight, you know that simply isn't true.

It is a number that for me, has represented a year of failure. A year of not moving, of being stuck and I dread facing that same sticking point.

I *know* my body isn't made to be 160lbs. It simply is not. And I am uncomfortable in this "skin" and I want to change it.

My three options as I see it are :Gain weight again, until it reaches some level I can't bear. Have some faith, stick to the program and eventually overcome that number. Give up and weigh 160.

I'm going for door number 2.

And I'm hoping that soon I will be telling you that I beat that number finally. Even if it isn't this week. I will do it soon.

5 comments:

Marlene said...

and you CAN do it sweetheart. I know you can. Idon't know any magic formula (except phen-phen which they took off the market! Worked, too dang it!) but it can be done. So hang in there... do a food log for a week or two and see what happens.. maybe you are eating something that isn't helping. Know we love you and are pulling for you.....

Jennifer said...

I'm rootin' for ya, Heidi! I know it's not easy, especially without Cathy there to get your butt out and run/walking at 5:30 am. =) And with your kids and the cold/less daylight and all, you probably just don't have the time. But I think Marlene has a good point about tracking your food. Have you ever tried one of the online calorie counters? I've tried both http://caloriecount.about.com/ and http://www.thedailyplate.com/ -- both even have foods from popular restaurant to make it easier to track. Plus seeing the number of calories helps, too. They also have some inspirational blogs and stories that might help you keep going in the right direction. Good luck!!

Jennifer said...

Oh, and this guy here is actually my best friend's little brother, and lost 135 pounds. Like, I grew up with this kid, and we went on trips together. It's really amazing.

http://caloriecount.about.com/im-not-fat-guy-anymore-b295877

Soto Family said...

I wish you were here, we could fight 160 together. If it makes you feel better I've been here as long as I can remember. It's what I weighed when I got pregnant with Isaac and for however long before that. I've been working out since February and am still at 160. I know you can do it, just be reasonable with yourself. Eat as well as you can and exercise as well as you can...don't beat yourself up. I am trying to follow my own advice. Hugs! Miss ya!

Nathan said...

It's just a number, right? The biggest thing is how you feel about yourself, and it shouldn't be just tied to what the number shows on the scale. I know you know that, but sometimes it is good to remind ourselves.
I'm available if you want to schedule some exercise together. I can always use more friends who like to be active.