It's actually been REALLY, REALLY good for the last 8 years. But we've been dealing with some new stuff the past six months. And really, we aren't complaining (even Shawn isn't complaining) because in the grand scheme of our lives, this is pretty minor. And we know major.
In any case Shawn has had to have a few procedures since Thanksgiving.
Anyone who has ever had a sick spouse knows the sinking, awful feeling you have when you step through those hospital doors. The unknown. The risks. The odds.
Everyone tries to assure me that it's going to be fine, but you know, those odds, those risks? Those random happenings? Well they happen to SOMEONE. And I am not foolish enough to believe that somehow I'm immune. In fact I tend to think the odds are not in my favor considering how many times they have been. I always worry the axe will fall on me this time. And it is really hard to see him wheeled back.
No matter how many times we go through this routine of ours, I never feel safe until he is home, in our bed sleeping next to me.
I also don't really like to talk about it, or blog about it, or think about it beyond the confines of the hospital walls. It is bad for my health, because I internalize this process. And that isn't like me. It isn't what I do. But it's what I do with this, because frankly, I can't process it. I can rarely verbalize it. But this time I thought I might try to document a day of it, because this time it wasn't "bad". So I am able to deal with this trip a little differently.
So a glimpse at the things I see. The things I stare at for hours in the hospital. My perspective of Shawn's health procedures if you will.
Yeah. He doesn't look concerned at all. And that is how he tries to keep me sane. By putting on a brave face and loving me with a smile. Even when he was in the most pain in his life and it was a "big deal" he would give me that smile, squeeze my hand and tell me he would be fine and would see me in a while. And that's what keeps me going. It's all I have in those moments.
Everyone gives Shawn a hard time about smiling for photos, but he saves them for when they matter. He saves them for me when my heart needs them most.
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6 comments:
What a touching post. You did a really good job "talking" about it. I felt your emotions and that's a hard thing to do. I'm glad he is doing well and I sincerely hope he does well each and every time!
You totally made me cry. You guys are a couple to look up to! You are strong for each other, and that's when it counts. I don't pretend to know what's going on with Shawn's health, but my thoughts are with you guys, and I can't wait til you move back to AZ!
I'm glad that things went well. I love his attitude in this photo. No big deal! ;)
Do you what you have to do to make the situation easier. Being a caregiver is a difficult job!
Aww, I'm sorry your hubby is having some medical issues. I can relate...I'm having a few of my own. I haven't blogged about it or really told anyone outside of my couple really close friends. I don't want anyone to worry until I know for sure what's going on...but I often wonder how my hubby REALLY feels. He's always VERY supportive and says nothing but positive things but I realize he's probably worried.
Brandy, it's very hard to be on "this" side of the hospital bed. For sure. You know when your kids are sick and you just wish you could take it on for them? (Or I do) it's just such a helpless feeling.
One time when he was really doing poorly I got really upset with some people because they were all complaining to ME about how they were so worried/upset/stressed about him being ill. And I told them to tell their spouse, because at least they had someone to lean on. For me that is so key. Shawn is the person I lean on. He makes me brave. He makes me strong. And when I just have to hold myself up, and my best friend can't get me through it, I find that to be very frightening. I'm sure your husband is so scared inside. But our job is to be positive and take care of you. It's just tough.
I know I would feel the exact same way you do. My husband is my best friend, my rock. I tell him everything. If all of a sudden, I had to be the strong one and couldn't rely on him, I'd probably crumble. Lots of hugs and good thoughts for you!
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